Tony has Enoughand so does Gibbs
by gotgoats
Summary: Crack!Fic! NOT FOR ZIVA FANS! Just ramblings in my brain, making myself and Headbanger laugh. Hope you enjoy! DEATH FIC Again, this is a crack-fic. If you're a Ziva fan, stay FAR away from it! Personally, I can't stand the way they've written her from the start. WARNING! NOT FOR ZIVA FANS! Is that clear enough? Oh, yeah, and she dies a lot.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own it. Tis a sad truth.

Note: THIS IS NOT FOR ZIVA FANS! Also, totally OOC. And AU, and well, picture all sorts of other warnings. DEATH FIC!

Note: Hope you enjoy! And thanks, Headbanger, for betaing for me!

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The FIRST time Tony killed Ziva

"What is your problem?" Tony and Ziva sat in the car, waiting for a subject to come from the building. She'd been more snappish than usual, which was hard to do.

Ziva looked at him, snorting in derision. She was sick of him trying to pull the truth out of her.

"Just stop asking."

"I will if you stop taking your attitude out on me."

"I am not."

"Yes, you are."

"You are an arrogant pig, and I hope to never get stuck in a car with you again." She turned to the window, murmuring something about him being an over-talkative idiot.

Tony sighed and kept his eyes on the building before them.

"Why can you never let things go, Tony?"

"Why do you have to shove bad attitude at me, and then expect me to just accept it?"

"Because you're a good punching bag." She cursed at him in Hebrew. "And you killed Rivkin. I'll hate you forever. You deserve to die."

That's when he lost his temper. Ducky said it was a single shot to the head. IA decided it was a Justifiable Homicide.

#############

The SECOND time Tony killed Ziva

Harper Dearing may have won the battle, but he didn't win the war. Tony kept that thought in his head as he looked for a way out of the elevator he and Ziva were trapped in.

He rolled his eyes as he listened to Ziva begin the same garbage she'd spewed at him when they were stuck in the storage container. Really, he'd never met a more hateful wench in his life.

"Ziva, is Mossad is that awesome, why are you here at NCIS, huh?"

She narrowed her eyes at him.

"I wanted more."

"Then act like it." He narrowed his eyes. "You always talk about how wonderful Mossad and Israel are. If you're going to prove that you want something new, then act like it."

"How dare you!" She stormed toward him, and really, in the end, it was self-defense. It wasn't his fault that she wouldn't stop fighting. He broke her neck just to get her hands from his throat.

#########

The THIRD time Tony killed Ziva

Tony groaned as the men's room door opened once more. He hoped that for once, she'd just let things go. If she wanted to talk, she needed to try it sometime when he wasn't trying to use the john.

"I need to talk to you about Michael."

"You said enough when you put a gun to my head, Ziva." He tried to pushed past. She stopped him.

"I have more to say."

"No, you don't."

"Yes." She took a defensive stance. "You're still alive. The wrong man died, and I'm never going to forgive you."

"Then I suggest you switch teams, Ziva, cuz you're not watching my six, and I'll not have yours. After all the lies you told Gibbs and hiding a known terrorist." She scoffed.

"One man's terrorist is another's freedom fighter."

"You have something new to say?" Tony leaned against the sink. "Cuz I'm kinda tired of hearing this over and over. You're a nag, and we're not even married."

"You are a pig." She reached for her knife, but she wasn't as fast as Tony. He knew she'd attack again. It was a matter of when.

Her knife hit him in the shoulder, due to being thrown off her balance as his knife landed in her chest.

IA watched the security footage. (Which freaked Tony out to no end. Seriously, who puts cameras in the bathrooms?) After interviews and mandatory time off, Tony returned to work.

##########

The FOURTH time Tony killed Ziva

Tony groaned. He was getting to accompany Ziva and her "girlfiend" from Mossad again. Gibbs just patted his shoulder and told him it'd be ok. He was SFA for a reason, and not spare luggage, as Ziva was wont to say.

"Still doesn't make it easy, Boss."

"I know. Do your job, and get home."  
"Yes, Boss."

Four hours later, Tony saw the irony. The other Mossad agent was already dead, having been shot by a sniper. Ziva was held by four men, while Tony had managed to see the danger and steer clear of it. He was Ziva's only hope.

"Help me, you pig!" She wasn't helping her case.

"I'm spare luggage, remember? Your suitcase can't do anything." A shot rang out. "Oops. Your dead. Guess I'll take your luggage and go home." He muttered to himself as he fired four shots, seconds too late to save his partner.

"At least I'll have a quiet ride home."

###########

The FIFTH time Tony killed Ziva

Tony grumbled as he rolled over on the outrageously comfortable king sized bed. A bed like this should be enjoyed. Romped on. Used wisely…or not. But no. He was on assignment in Paris, the City of Love, with Ziva, the greatest nemesis known to man.

The worst part was that she was snoring. And it wasn't just a snore. She was letting loose with "jet-liner running out of fuel" snores that were making his head ache.

He tried moving her head to the side, but she fought him. So he rolled her onto her side. She passed gas, and then flipped back onto her back, moving the covers so that the noxious fumes made him gag.

It was the third night, and he'd looked for ear plugs, but hadn't found any. How could an entire city not have earplugs? She snored again, this time deeper. He glared at her.

Sleep deprivation over a course of days will do strange things to people. He knew that, even as he held the pillow over her head. When her thrashing finally stopped, he breathed a sigh of relief.

His eyes closed in sleep, the thought that he'd call the police in the morning niggling just slightly at the back of his mind.

########

And ONE TIME he DIDN'T

Tim and Ziva had started in on Tony, thinking that Gibbs was out of earshot. He listened for a few minutes. Yes, his SFA could be irritating. There was a reason he'd not let Tony stay at his place the last time his heat went out. But there was a limit.

"McGee! David! Can it and get back to work!"

Tim sat, properly chastised. Ziva, however, kept on.

"You protect him like he was your lover, Gibbs." The older man sighed as he sat.

"No, I protect him like he's my SFA, a position I'm sure you're jealous of. And you're never getting it, even when Tony moves up to a team lead or he retires. You'll still be a probie."

"That's not fair!"

"With an attitude like yours, it's totally fair. The position he's in is one of trust, and he's earned it."

"How does he earn it? He plays, he…"

"He stays late and comes in early. Solves cold cases, and finishes your reports when they're screwed." Gibbs met her eyes. "Such as the one from last night. He's not gotten to it yet, per my orders." He handed it to her. "So shut up, sit down, and do it right."

"How dare you!"

"I dare cuz I'm your boss! Now shut it!" Gibbs stood, facing off with her.

"I'm going to talk to the Director."

"You're not going to get out of paperwork just cuz you're friends with the Director, David."

"No, but I will get fair treatment."

Jenny watched the exchange from the catwalk, and was disappointed in her young friend. Bringing her to America had been a bad idea, and making her a liaison for Mossad with NCIS was quickly turning disastrous. Before she could intervene, Gibbs' temper snapped.

Jenny figured she'd call Ducky just in case Ziva was still alive, but she doubted it. This wasn't going to be a nice conversation with Director David. Gibbs was a crack shot, after all.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS. If I did, Ziva wouldn't have existed past the Ari mess.

Note: I decided to delete most of the guest reviews. Not because they were flames, which are ok on a story like this, but because some of the more colorful flames would have been embarrassing to their authors. They did make me laugh, however, and some of them made me wonder how the reviewer managed to read the story in the first place. Might I suggest "spell-check"?

Also, I removed any guest reviews that included personal insults. I am not prejudiced. Neither am I mentally deficient. Well, that's debatable, but the point is, there's no need for name calling and accusations to be thrown around. Yes, I deplore the character of Ziva, due to _how she's written_. It's a TV show, people! Sorry if that offends you. Well, no, I'm not sorry. If I was, I'd have left your spewing reviews up.

Note: This was meant to be a one-chapter story, but I've received so many PM's requesting a second chapter, and so many new and inventive ways of killing off my most unloved character, that I couldn't resist. So, with pride, I present my next chapter in this. Still a death fic, still a crack fic, and yes, it's still going to be tongue in cheek. THANKS FOR THE IDEAS, YA'LL! (And I must credit The Princess Bride for the marvelous idea of iocane powder. It's a fictional poison, but it's oh, so marvelous!)

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ABBY

Abby was pissed. Not just "I'm out of Caff-Pow, so the world is ending" angry, but full on, angry bull with a red flag flapping in its face angry. McGee was officially on her never-to-be-slept-with-again list, but Ziva was on her I-hate-forever list.

It had come to her attention that there had not been an equipment failure that made the two morons turn off the radio. McGee admitted, with her watching and Gibbs interrogating, that Ziva had initiated the idea to simply turn the radio off, so they'd not have to listen to his chatter any more.

Oh, Timmy would pay, make no mistake. He was on a diet, and was losing weight quickly. She began to devise ways to help him along. Perhaps switching the diet-ranch dressing he had come to love in his lunches out with a laxative laced with ranch powder. The thought made the Goth smirk.

Just as she finished with that thought, her lab doors zipped open, and a furious Ziva stormed through.

"Tony has gotten me into trouble yet again."

"No, you got yourself in trouble." Ziva narrowed her eyes.

"He is immature and horrible. A spoiled child, who has the mentality of a, a, baby!"

"You're talking about my best friend, Ziva." Abby's voice grew cold.

"How can you stand to be friends with him?" Ziva ranted for several minutes, pointing out every perceived wrong she'd ever received at the hands of one Anthony DiNozzo.

"That's enough!" Abby had seriously heard enough. "You got in trouble because you left him without backup, and you know he'd never do that to you. It wasn't right." She got right in Ziva's face. "And you know it. Now get out of my lab!"

Not quite two hours later, Abby reappeared in the lab, with drinks for everyone. Ziva eyed her suspiciously.

"I'm sorry I got so mad at you, Ziva. Here." She handed Ziva her usual chai. "And Timmy, this is for you. Tony, I got you a hot chocolate with extra chocolate. It'll be soothing on your throat."

"Thanks," he croaked out.

"And the largest coffee they have with a shot of espresso for our fearless leader." She smiled proudly as she set it on his desk.

Ziva took a tentative sip, as if afraid that it would have chili powder in it. With her "job" done, Abby bounced back to the elevator.

Five minutes later, Tim ran for the bathroom, his gut rumbling as Ziva slumped over her desk.

"What the…?" Gibbs stood from his desk, calling Ducky. He felt for a pulse, and found none. By the time Ducky and Palmer reached the bullpen, Tim was back from the bathroom, cursing his new nutritional supplements as he threw them away.

"What's wrong with Ziva?"

"She's dead, my boy."

Downstairs in her lab, Abby pumped her fist after her interrogation regarding the beverages she'd delivered upstairs by IA. She really _could_ kill someone and leave no forensic evidence! Iocane powder. Who knew?

########

DUCKY

They'd been working for seventeen solid hours, and everyone was hungry and frustrated at the lack of leads.

"Alright, everybody, take two hours. Get some food, a nap, and get your asses back up here!"

"Yes, Boss!" rang out from the other three desks in the bullpen.

By the time Ziva waited for her specialty sandwich to be done, Gibbs was asleep on one table in autopsy, Tony was sacked out on Abby's futon, and Tim had claimed the cot in Ducky's office, due to the other two tables being occupied by "guests".

Ziva sighed as she opened one of the cooler vaults. She rolled her sleeping bag out on the cold slab before climbing in and settling down. She made sure to leave the door ajar far enough that it was obvious that someone was in the spot.

Once she was asleep, the door creaked further towards being closed, seeming as if it hadn't been properly closed, rather than purposely left open.

Ducky arrived following his dinner break and sighed.

"Mr. Palmer." He shook his head. "I know you were needing to get to class, but honestly, one would think you'd close the doors properly."

He pushed it shut softly.

Gibbs woke to the sound, and sat up, looking at his watch. He stretched.

"I'm gonna go back up, Duck. McGee's in your office."

"And where is young Anthony?"

"Saw him headed to Abby's lab. Think he's on her futon."

"And Ziva?"

"Don't know." Gibbs yawned as he sipped at a cup of coffee that seemed to materialize from nowhere. "Fell asleep before she got back from getting her dinner."

"Very well, I'll wake everyone in an hour or so."

"Thanks."

Four hours later, the search was on for Ziva. Ducky opened the door he'd shut earlier, intending to put Corporal Pierce back where he belonged when he sighed.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, my dear."

Tony had been down to collect the findings, and came to look over the older man's shoulder.

"Gibbs did tell her to chill out, but I don't think this is what he had in mind."

#########

McGEE

Gibbs had ordered his team to the gym for some one-on-one training, and while they'd battled one another, they'd also taken turns with the big man himself. So when he ordered them to the showers, they were thrilled to be finished with taking their beatings.

Tony chattered away, as usual, while Tim was a little more reserved, joking back only when Tony prodded him. Gibbs sang, as he was accustomed to doing, which made the rest of the team glad that they had something to listen to besides his broken, disjointed warbling.

"Honestly, Gibbs." Ziva finally sighed. "You sound like a yelling dog."

"It's _dying_ dog, Zeevah." Tony snickered. "A yelling dog would sound better."

The agents joked back and forth, mostly at Gibbs expense, until they were finished showering. One by one, they emerged from their showers, dressed and ready to go back to work.

"Come along, McTardy." Ziva tried to mimic Tony's teasing, but it only resulted in Tim rolling his eyes from where he stood behind his curtain.

"I'm coming, Ziva, and it's "com'on", not "come along". You know, at some point, you're really going to have to learn to use contractions."

"This is how I speak, McGee." She shrugged. "It is enough that I speak English, yes?"

"Yes, it is." McGee winked at Tony as he twirled his towel. Tony cleared the door, knowing McGee was going to need to run for his life. "At least a squeal doesn't require a language."

"A squeal?" She looked up to Gibbs in time to see him smirk, and to feel the corner of the towel bite her butt. She jumped a bit, shrieking as she did so.

Unfortunately, she wasn't wearing slip-resistant shoes, and the spot where she was standing was damp. Her feet flew out from under her as she reached out frantically for anything to grab on to.

None of the men were close enough or fast enough to stop her from falling. The fall was bad, but she landed with her head on the 6" shower divider that kept the water in the stall. The sickening crack let them all know things weren't going well.

She was pronounced dead upon arrival. Poor McGee. He only meant it as a joke.

###########

LEVI (Tony POV)

Making fun of his undercover skills wasn't enough. Trying to make him look like a fool in front of their Mossad partners in this current game hadn't been enough, either. No. She'd had to go and blow six months of undercover work just to one-up him. Thankfully, her superiors had seen through her little rouse, but it still meant that their cover was blown. It was becoming more apparent by the day that she had progressed quickly through the ranks in Mossad due to her daddy, and not her ability.

When Tony saw Levi messing with Ziva's car, he didn't think much of it at first. She'd complained about it not sounding right, so her buddy was probably helping her fix it, knowing that she needed to get away from Gibbs' wrath as quickly as possible. Even Vance had been snapping toothpicks every time she came near.

It wasn't until he was called to the scene of the crash that he started to piece together what had happened. Levi wasn't fixing her car. He'd done something to it. She normally drove at high speeds, and never had a problem with it.

Abby confirmed his suspicions hours later, when she pointed out a switch designed to cause a malfunction leading to an explosion when a vehicle reached 80 mph. Tony sighed. Another partner gone. Yes, she could be a pain, but this wasn't fair, even for her. He didn't hear Gibbs step up behind her.

"Well, she wanted to go out in a blaze of glory, and I kept telling her that her driving was gonna get her into trouble." Tony and Abby simply stared at him as he took a calm sip from his coffee. He looked back at them. "What?"

###########

PALMER

Jimmy walked through the bull-pen, chatting with Tony and absent mindedly playing with a paper clip. He and Tony were laughing over the last movie they'd gone to see, and how angry Breena was at the late hour in which her new husband came home.

"Better not be that late again, Jimbo." Tony teased, punching Jimmy lightly on the arm. "Don't wanna get relegated to the couch this soon in your marriage."

Ziva looked up from her report, a smug look on her face.

"Are you in trouble already, Jimmy? Perhaps handing out with Tony is not the best idea."

"It's _hanging out_, Ziva, and he's fine. Breena's just got the new wife itch. You know," he grinned. "Wants to make sure her man's home."

"I am certain that she feels a little more than that." Tony lifted an eyebrow as she came and stood beside them. "After all, there is a lot of, how do you call it, man love, going on between you two?"

Palmer blushed clear down to his shoulders as he stuttered a refusal to her claim. Tony just laughed. He reached out to steady Palmer when he started to walk away, seeing that the young man had stumbled.

Jimmy put his hand out to catch himself, forgetting that he had the bent-up paper clip in his hand. The sharp edge of the clip pierced Ziva's jugular, and as he pulled it out, apologizing as he tried to staunch the flow of blood, Tony was calling for the medics.

Ducky sadly welcomed her to one of his tables later that afternoon.

"Perhaps you shouldn't have bragged so much about being able to kill with a paper clip, my dear. After all, it's said that he who lives by the sword dies by it. I guess you are proof that a paper clip isn't any different, is it?"

Upstairs, Abby stood over Gibbs' desk, wide-eyed. "Jimmy really killed Ziva with a paper clip? Holy crap!"


End file.
